


our scars remind us (that the past is real)

by splendidlyimperfect



Series: the only hope for me is you [9]
Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Abandonment, Angst with a Happy Ending, Child Neglect, Childhood Memories, Childhood Trauma, Domestic, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Sex, Established Relationship, Foster Care, Gray's trying to give him the home he never had, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Married Couple, Natsu didn't have a good childhood, Scars, Self-Harm, Tumblr: FTLGBTales
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-07
Updated: 2018-10-07
Packaged: 2019-07-17 17:13:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16100126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/splendidlyimperfect/pseuds/splendidlyimperfect
Summary: Natsu doesn't understand why he's mourning the loss of his scars. Then, when Ultear calls Natsu about a foster boy she thinks he can help, it dredges up painful memories of his past.





	our scars remind us (that the past is real)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for #wwtdp, week 2, day 1, prompt: scars
> 
> This is set just after "i'd rather be a riot than indifferent", five years after the end of "crash & burn". If you haven't read either, here is a recap of important details: Gray & Natsu met in a program for troubled youth; Natsu tried to commit suicide and Gray saved his life. They got married a few years later. Natsu became a volunteer firefighter, and ended up trapped in a burning building. He got third degree burns on the left side of his body and up his neck. 
> 
> Title from 'Scars' by Papa Roach
> 
> Trigger warning for mentions of past self-harm.

"Is it weird that I’m sad it’s gone?”  

Gray settled down next to his husband in the sand, bumping their shoulders together and looking out across the ocean. The beach was abandoned and the sand was dusted with a thin layer of snow that would likely be gone by tomorrow. Gray pulled his jacket tighter around him and looked over at Natsu.  

“That what’s gone?” he asked. Natsu’s face would have been unreadable to anyone else – eyeliner smudged and pink hair shoved under a toque. Gray could see the tightness around his eyes, though. “And why aren’t you wearing a jacket?”  

Natsu shrugged. His hoodie was draped over his shoulders and underneath he only wore a t-shirt. Gray’s eyes drifted to where Natsu was rubbing his fingers over his left forearm. He sighed, realizing what this was about.  

 _“Je_ _suis_ _désolé_ _, mon coeur,”_ he said softly, reaching over and taking Natsu’s hand. The fire had burned everything on his left arm away – the self-inflicted wounds, the marks of the abuse, and the deep scar from when Natsu had tried to take his own life. All that was left now was the twisted mess of pink and white skin that ran from his knuckles to his neck. His wedding ring stood out starkly against the damaged skin.  

“It’s been five years,” Natsu said quietly, resting his head on Gray’s shoulder. “Remember sitting here?” Gray huffed out a laugh, twining his fingers with Natsu’s.  

“You were high,” he murmured, recalling the terror and panic he’d felt when Natsu had texted him about being drugged at a club. “I was so scared.” Natsu hummed but didn’t say anything, staring down at his forearm.  

“I just...” He licked his lips, looking for an explanation. “It was like...proof. That everything happened, and I, y’know, that I lived through it.” He let out a shaky breath and rubbed his eyes. “I dunno why it’s so important.”  

“You don’t have to know why,” Gray said, kissing the back of Natsu’s hand. He had only a vague idea of what Natsu meant – his own scars came from something entirely different – but he didn’t have to understand it to take care of him. “C’mon sweetheart, put your sweater on.” Gray tugged at Natsu’s hoodie and helped him put it on, then wrapped an arm around his husband.  

“How’d you know where I was?” Natsu asked after a minute, voice barely audible over the sound of the waves crashing on the beach. Gray let out a puff of laughter.  

“You always come here,” he said, leaning back and sighing. “It’s that time of year.” Natsu huffed but didn’t argue.  

“How’s your shoulder?” He asked instead, glancing over at Gray. Close up it was clear that Natsu had been crying. Gray considered the question for a minute.  

“It’s okay.” Natsu nodded, and Gray knew he understood full well the pain of something that only appeared to be healed. Natsu dug the toe of his sneaker into the sand and they sat in silence for a moment.  

“I still think about it, sometimes,” Natsu said after a few minutes, taking off his toque and running a hand through his messy hair. Gray frowned.  

“About what?” He leaned into Natsu.  

“Don.” Natsu swallowed. “Just… living there. Hating… hating every day, sleeping on the park bench instead of going home. Drinking. How angry he’d get. Him hitting me. Just… all the stupid shit I did.” Gray made a sympathetic sound.  

“You weren’t stupid, you were desperate,” he murmured, sitting up and nudging Natsu. “And we’re both here, that’s what’s important.” Natsu turned and pressed their foreheads together, snuggling into Gray’s warmth.  

“I never really apologized,” he whispered.  

“Why would you apologize?”  

“For...for putting you through that.” He swallowed, blurry memories of Gray holding a sweater to his bleeding arm, tapping his cheek, crying as Natsu struggled to breathe. “I just... now, being... being older, I guess, and seeing that, and I just can’t remember why it seemed like that was the only option.” He shook his head, rubbing his eyes. “You tried so hard to help me but I just... I pushed you away. And then-”  

“Natsu.” Gray ducked his head until Natsu was forced to look at him. “We’ve talked about this. You weren’t on your meds, you were sick, and it was hard to make rational decisions. It wasn’t your fault.”  

“I know,” Natsu said, voice shaky. “And I don’t know why I’m missing a reminder of... what I did. But it just... it was a part of me?” His eyes were filling with tears and Gray wrapped an arm around his shoulder. “And I feel like I should be happy it’s gone, but I just feel sad and angry and it  _hurts_ , right here.” He pressed his hand against his chest, then sighed, wiping his face with his sleeve. “’s stupid.”  

“C’mere,” Gray whispered, tugging Natsu toward him until he was tucked under Gray’s chest, head tucked under Gray’s chin. “I don’t have answers, sweetheart, I’m sorry.” He felt Natsu’s shoulders shaking under his arm and he sighed, pressing a kiss to his husband’s hair. “Whatever you’re feeling... that’s okay.”  

Natsu cried against him for a while, Gray stroking his hair and holding him tight while the waves crashed onto the beach. After a long while Natsu sat up, wiping his face with his hoodie sleeve and looking out over the water.  

“Life’s weird,” he said after a minute, shifting until he was sitting in between Gray’s legs, leaning his head back on his husband’s shoulder. Gray hummed in agreement, watching the hypnotic pattern of the foam dragging rocks and shells out to the sea. He sighed, squeezing Natsu tightly against him.  

“It is,” he said quietly. “But we’ve got each other.”  

 

* * *

 

Natsu yawned and shifted on the couch, earning him an irritated meowl from Happy, who was perched on his chest. He laughed, scratching the cat behind his ears until he settled down and began to purr again.  

“Hey Snowflake, you still awake?” He poked Gray’s leg with his toe and Gray grumbled, taking off his classes and rubbing his face. He moved his book from his lap to the coffee table, then turned to face Natsu, slumping back into the cushions. “What’re we doin’ for supper?”  

“Food,” Gray mumbled, yawning and burrowing his head into the couch. “Did you get groceries yesterday?” Natsu shook his head sheepishly and Gray sighed, glaring half-heartedly at his husband. “You just wanted to get takeout, didn’t you?” Natsu grinned. “You’re hopele-”  

 _Bzzt_ _._ _Bzzzt_ _._  

“Ah, that’s me, can you pass it?” Natsu gestured to his phone on the coffee table. “I don’t wanna wake the beast.” He scratched Happy’s head again.  

“Why is my sister calling you?” Gray asked, frowning as he handed the phone to Natsu. Natsu shrugged, swiping to answer.  

“Hey Ul, how's it going?” There was a thump in the background, then the sound of a door closing.  

“Natsu,  _allo_ _,_ I hope I am not interrupting dinner.” Ultear sounded tired.  

“Nah, Gray’s gonna go get sushi right away.” Natsu grinned and poked his husband in the ribs with his foot. Gray grabbed his ankle, about to retaliate, but Natsu gestured to the phone and stuck out his tongue. “What’s up?” 

“I have a... strange request,” she said slowly. “And do not feel like you must say yes. If you cannot help, it is...” she trailed off, sighing.  

“Sounds vague, I’m interested.” Natsu glanced up at Gray, who was giving him a puzzled look.  

“There is a young boy.” Ultear paused. “I am working with him. With children’s services.” Natsu felt a thread of unease start to wrap around him. His own experiences with children’s services had been traumatic at best. “He is eight, and in foster care.”  

Natsu winced. He knew, logically, that not all homes were bad, but he’d been bounced through so many that the memories were largely unpleasant. Especially the last one. He resisted bringing a hand to his face - the last place Don had ever hit him.  

“So, um, what can I...”  

“He is struggling,” Ultear said, voice full of frustration. “We are trying to find a family for him, but he is...”  

“Difficult,” Natsu guessed, the unease settling like a stone in his stomach. “Hard to place?”  

“Yes,” Ultear said sadly. “He has been moved several times... I want to keep him in one home. But nobody can reach him. The foster parents have said he can be violent. Unstable.”  

“Dangerous,” Natsu murmured. All those words had been thrown on him, the kid who lit fires and jumped off roofs, who hit other kids and refused help. Until Gray had come into his life. A bump on Natsu’s leg startled him – Gray had moved closer to him and was holding out his hand, which Natsu took gratefully. Gray’s expression was a combination of puzzlement and concern.  

“I hope you do not take this the wrong way.” Ultear’s voice was uncertain and Natsu let out a short laugh. “... he reminds me of you.”  

Natsu exhaled shakily, feeling tears pooling behind his eyes. Despite Happy’s protests, he sat up and let Gray wrap an arm around his shoulder. He held out the phone to Gray, who switched it to speaker.   

“This boy... I don’t want things to go wrong for him,” Ultear pleaded. “I am trying my best, but those kinds of labels make him...”  

An uneasy silence settled between the three of them as Gray realized what the conversation was about. He leaned his head against Natsu, pressing a kiss to his temple.  

“What can I do?” Natsu asked quietly. “You want me to talk to him?”  

“If... you could try? I just think that if... he may trust you?”  

Natsu closed his eyes and tipped his head back against the sofa, breathing deeply and focusing on the feeling of Gray’s thumb rubbing over his knuckles. A thousand emotions ran through him, little fragments of memory flooding to the forefront of his mind.  

 _...don’t want him in our home, he’s too dangerous..._  

 _...won’t ever find a family for him, he’s a hellion..._  

 _...too much work, I can’t trust him around the other children..._  

 _...he’ll never belong in a family..._  

 _...nobody will ever want you._  

He hadn’t realized he was crying until Gray ran a thumb over his cheek. He grabbed Gray’s hand and kissed his palm, then sat up and leaned into the phone.  

“When can I meet him?”  

 

* * *

 

It took nearly three weeks for Ultear to set up a meeting. Natsu had to submit stacks of paperwork, a criminal record check, and get fingerprinted before they would even consider letting him in the door. It was already the first week of February by the time they pulled into the parking lot of the children’s services building.  

“You’re gonna be okay,” Gray said, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel. Natsu chewed his lip, bouncing his knee and staring out the window. “You don’t have to do this if you do-”  

“If someone...” Natsu swallowed, tipping his head back and sighing. “If someone had helped me sooner. Had noticed. Had... had cared, then maybe...” His voice broke and he ran a hand over his face. “I might not have tried to... to kill myself.” He looked over at Gray, a fond smile on his face. “If you hadn’t come into my life, things...”  

“But I did, and we made it,” Gray said, reaching over and grabbing Natsu’s hand. “You’re brave. Go in there. You’ll be great.” He pulled Natsu over to him and kissed him gently. ”I love you.”  

“Love you too, Snowflake,” Natsu murmured, pressing one last kiss to Gray’s lips before swinging the door open and stepping out of the car. “I’ll call you when I’m done. Say hi to Freed and Laxus for me.” Gray smiled and nodded before backing up and heading out of the parking lot.  

Natsu swallowed, turning and heading into the very familiar building. It was bright and welcoming, and Ultear was standing in the foyer waiting for him. Natsu smiled nervously at her and she clasped his arm.  

“I know this is difficult for you,” Ultear said softly. “If it becomes too much, I understand.” Natsu nodded, feeling slightly nauseous. As he followed Ultear down the hallways, the memories started to flood back into him.  

 _“Why are we having such a hard time placing him?” The lady who had brought him here was tall and had a nice smile. She’d given him a cookie and some toys and told him to play quietly while she made some phone calls. “He doesn’t look that dangerous to me,” she said, sighing. “He’s five years old, Mark.“_  

 _“I’m five,” Natsu repeated, standing on his tiptoes and looking across her desk. She smiled at him fondly. “I_ _go_ _kindergarten.”_  

 _“I know you do, sweetie,” she said, handing him the_ _snowglobe_ _he’d been eyeing next to her keyboard._  

 _“Where’s daddy?” he asked, shaking the_ _snowglobe_ _and peering intently at the figure inside. “He said I can go home_ _with him.”_ _The lady’s face was sad now, and Natsu frowned. What did he say wrong?_  

 _“You dad’s busy right now, kiddo,” she said gently, ruffling his hair and gesturing for him to go back and play with the toys in the corner. “We’ll get this figured out soon.”_  

Natsu exhaled sharply, focusing on the pattern of Ultear’s blazer instead of the thoughts swirling around in his head. He’d never expected to come back here – the last time had been just after he’d turned eighteen and had needed to file legal paperwork. This building held nothing but frustration, sorrow and anger. But maybe now it could be more.  

Ultear stopped at the door to one of the smaller rooms along the hallway - it was filled with toys and books to keep children occupied while adults decided their fates. This one was sparsely furnished, and in one corner was a Lego table, just high enough for children to sit on the floor and build. Sitting in the corner next to it was Sabian.  

Natsu’s heart ached as soon as he saw the boy. He had hard, dark eyes that were trained on his shoes, and his well-worn white sweater stood out starkly against dark skin. But it was the way that he sat that made Natsu’s chest hurt. Sabian was curled in on himself, knees to his chest and arms wrapped around them in a protective gesture.  

 _“... have to move him somewhere else.” Mrs Chen was talking, voice hard and angry. “He’s too destructive.” Seven-year-old Natsu pushed himself into the corner of the bedroom, arms wrapped around his skinned knees, trying his best to be quiet. Maybe they wouldn’t find him, and he wouldn’t have to leave, and start over again, and again, and again._  

“Hey Sabian!” Natsu said cheerfully, pushing the memories from his mind and settling down on the floor near the Lego table. He sat close to the boy but not too close, leaving Sabian plenty of room if he wanted to escape. “My name’s Natsu. What’re you building?”  

Sabian looked up at him uncertainly, then dropped his gaze back down to his shoes. Natsu reached out for some of the pieces of Lego and began snapping them together, looking up at Ultear and nodding that he was fine. He started to form something that looked vaguely like a car, and held it up for Sabian’s inspection.  

“I’m pretty bad at this,” he admitted, tipping it in his hands. “I never had Lego when I was a kid. My niece is great at it, though.” The words flowed smoothly, easily, filling the uncertain silence between them. “She built a car out of Lego this year; I helped her with the robotics to make it move.” He paused for a second. ”She’s about your age, actually. And obsessed with Star Wars.” 

He avoided asking questions, knowing that Sabian wouldn’t answer them, but continued to build Lego creations, alternating between telling little stories and sitting in silence. An hour went by without a reaction from Sabian, and Natsu started to wonder if he’d be able to make a connection with the boy after all. He pushed up the sleeves of his sweater, trying to concentrate on the spaceship he was building. 

“Why is your arm like that?” Natsu looked up, surprised. Sabian’s English was heavily accented, but his question was clear.  

“Which one?” Natsu held both arms out for inspection. The left was scarred from the fire, while the right still bore self-inflicted marks from his younger years. Fear and trepidation fluttered through Natsu’s stomach as Sabian inspected him seriously. Natsu hadn’t expected this to be the thing that encouraged the boy to talk.  

“Both,” the boy replied softly.  

“I was in a fire,” Natsu explained, pointing to the mark on his face and gesturing that it continued under his shirt and down to his hand. “Earlier this year. I’m a firefighter, I was trying to help people out of a house and I got stuck.” Sabian nodded, then flicked his eyes over to the right.  

Natsu paused for a moment, remembering his discussion with Sylvie when she was three and had been curious about his scars. This was different. Sabian was older, and Natsu didn’t want to lie. Too many people already lied to him. But how could he keep the conversation age appropriate? Natsu thought of himself at this age, and realized with a deep sense of sorrow that by eight, he had already begun hurting himself. 

“My life...was a lot like yours when I was younger,” he said slowly, making sure to consider each word carefully. ”I moved around lots, and some of the places I lived in weren’t very nice.” Sabian drew back a little, looking down at the floor. “And when I was sad or angry, sometimes I would hurt myself, because I didn’t know what else to do.”  

“You did that?” Sabian asked, brow furrowed. “To yourself?” Natsu nodded, trying to keep his breathing steady. A terrifying mix of emotions was swirling through him, but he tried his best not to let it show.  

Sabian was quiet for a minute, staring at Natsu with an inscrutable expression on his face. “You were... like me?” The boy relaxed a little against the wall, letting go of the death grip on his legs. “You have no parents?”  

“Yeah,” Natsu said, shifting into a cross-legged position. “My mom died when I was really little and my dad... left.” He played with his wedding ring, resisting the urge to pick at his flaking nail polish. Gray always got after him for that.  

There was another long silence. Natsu watched Sabian out of the corner of his eye as the boy copied his position and folded his hands in his lap. He felt like he was walking a thin line, where any wrong word could push Sabian back into terrified silence.  

“Why are you here?” Sabian asked eventually. He looked up at Natsu, who nearly flinched at the vulnerable expression on the young boy’s face.  _Fuck,_ this was hard. “You are not taking me home.” Sabian’s voice was flat – it was clear that he already knew the answer.  

“No,” Natsu said honestly. “My husband and I aren’t foster parents.” They’d considered it, briefly, when he and Gray had gotten married. After many long talks they’d decided against it. Having a reminder of Natsu’s childhood trauma present in their home every day would be too much for him, especially when he already had his mental illness to deal with.  

“Then why?” Sabian rested his chin on his arms. “Nobody wants me. Why do you care?”   

Natsu’s heart cracked a little more. He wanted nothing more than to pull this boy into a hug and promise him that everything would be okay. What should he say? If he disagreed, Sabian would close himself off again. Social worker after social worker had told Natsu that he would  _find the right home,_ and that  _this is only temporary_ _,_ and those reassurances had never helped.  

“Because it sucked,” Natsu said eventually, sighing. “I was scared a lot, and angry. As I got older, bad things kept happening. And if someone had noticed...” he ran his fingers over the scars. “Maybe things would have been different.” He looked up at Sabian, who was staring at him warily. “I felt like nobody wanted me either. I... got in a lot of trouble.”  

“You did?” Sabian’s eyes widened and Natsu smiled a little.  

“I was a bit of a… menace,” he said, thinking back to the time he lit the fire in the shed and burned his hands. “But… I found a home eventually.”  

“Where?” Sabian asked, leaning forward a little. He looked up at Natsu with hopeful curiosity.  

“Someone cared about me,” Natsu said, thinking back to Gray’s terrified face when he’d found Natsu in that supply closet. The way Gray had slept by the hospital bed, holding Natsu’s hand. How he’d changed the bandages and kissed his forehead and brought Natsu into his family. “He didn’t see the broken pieces.” Natsu licked his lips. “He saw me.”  

He’d been trying hard not to cry but it was futile and he sniffed, wiping his eyes. An uncertain silence fell between them as Sabian stared at the palms of his hands.  

“I miss my mother,” he said quietly, voice wavering. Natsu could see that he was fighting against his own tears. “And I become angry. I don’t want to be angry. Or sad.”  

It hit Natsu suddenly, and he felt stupid for not realizing it sooner. What Sabian needed – and what he had always needed – hadn't been to hear a certain set of special words. What they both needed was someone to listen. Natsu ran a hand through his hair and then shifted slowly until he was facing Sabian.  

“Why don't you tell me about your mom?”  

 

* * *

 

The ride home was quiet. Natsu gratefully accepted Gray’s hand in his while they drove, and when they got to the apartment he headed straight for the couch. He curled up in his usual spot, pillow held tightly against his chest, and waited for Gray to settle down next to him.  

“You look exhausted,” Gray said gently, tugging Natsu until he was lying with his head in Gray’s lap. Natsu hadn’t cut his hair in a while and it was running wild at the back, leaving plenty of snags for Gray to comb out. “I know that was really hard for you.”  

“Mm.” Natsu sighed, rubbing his face. “I’d rather it be hard for me than him.” He tipped his head to let Gray comb out the hair behind his ears. “He’s eight.”  

“You were eight once, too,” Gray said gently, brushing wayward pink strands out of Natsu’s eyes.  

“But he’s just… he’s lost everything.” Natsu tucked his hands inside his sweater sleeves and brought them to his chest. “I have so much. I can… I can take it.” Gray sighed, stroking Natsu’s cheek with a finger.  

“Sweetheart,” he said slowly, tugging on Natsu’s shoulder until he had rolled over and was facing him. “You’re doing a wonderful thing. You have such a big heart and I’m so proud of you.” Natsu buried his face in Gray’s stomach. “But you were little once, too.” A pained sound came from Natsu and Gray continued running his fingers through the pink hair. “You lost everything, too. You were alone, and hurt, and angry, and you had nobody, and it’s okay to grieve that.”  

Natsu’s shoulders shook as he pressed himself as close to his husband as possible. Logically, he knew this. His therapist had said it over and over – mourning the loss of your childhood was normal for survivors of trauma. But it had never… 

“Was that what I looked like?” He whispered, curling up as small as he could. “Scared, like that?” Gray didn’t answer, just ran a hand up and down Natsu’s side. “I’d never… I mean we’ve talked about… parts of it. But then… to see…”  

All the memories that he normally kept away were flooding back to him in pieces and he couldn’t control it, couldn’t block it out.  

 _He was eight years old and dad was gone, just didn’t show up for a visit one day and never came back. It ached and burned and hurt and Natsu wanted to cry, wanted to scream, wanted a hug, but there were too many kids in the house and nobody who cared._  

 _Grief turned easily to anger, an uncontrollable rage that ended one day with him throwing a glass against the wall. As his foster mom scolded him and he cleaned it up, one of the shards sliced open his thumb and the pain caught him off guard. It was like exhaling after holding his breath – it pulled all the hurt into one small space that he could suddenly control. He kept the shard of broken glass under his pillow after that, for when the hurt got too bad._  

“Oh,  _mon coeur_ , you were so little,” Gray murmured, voice shaky, and Natsu realized he’d been telling that story out loud, rubbing that very first scar on his thumb. He’d never told that to anyone, not even Gray. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart.”  

Natsu pushed himself up until he was tucked against Gray’s chest, head under his husband's chin, wrapped safely in his arms. “I’m sorry nobody saw you when you were a little boy,” Gray whispered. Natsu made a low, heartbroken sound into Gray’s sweater. “That little boy deserved to be protected. He deserved a family, someone to care for him.”   

“I have that now,” Natsu said, voice muffled by Gray’s chest. “I have you.”  

“I know,” Gray said, kissing his head. “But I’m sorry it took so long.”  

Natsu didn't say anything more, just took shaky breaths and pressed himself against Gray. Gray stroked his hair and after a while began to sing, voice low and quiet.  

Natsu recognized it as a lullaby that Gray sang to the kids – one that his mother had made up when he was a child. Natsu let the gentle sound of the words wrap around him. Gray rocked a little from side to side, combing his fingers through Natsu’s hair and singing to him softly until eventually he let the sadness and grief flow over him, and he fell asleep.  

 

* * *

 

When Natsu woke up a few hours later it was dark and he was alone on the sofa, pillow under his head and blanket wrapped around him. His eyes felt swollen and he groaned, pushing himself up to sitting and rubbing his face. The light in the kitchen was on, and he could hear Gray humming to himself.  

Shrugging off the blanket, Natsu yawned and made his way to the other room, smiling at the sight of Gray pulling cookies out of the oven.  

“Those my favorite?” he asked, sneaking up behind Gray and wrapping his arms around his husband’s waist. Gray hummed in agreement, setting the tray down on top of the stove and turning off the oven. Natsu nuzzled the back of Gray’s neck and he sighed, melting in to the touch. 

“How’re you feeling?” Gray asked, turning around and bringing his hands up to Natsu’s face. “You sleep okay?” Natsu nodded, leaning forward and resting his head on Gray’s shoulder. Gray stroked his hair, twining the longer pieces around his fingers.   

“You done baking?” Natsu asked, placing a soft kiss to Gray’s neck. Gray made a quiet sound and nodded. Natsu closed his eyes, feeling Gray’s fingers comb through his hair and caress the back of his neck. He sighed. “I need...” His voice was shaky, but Gray nodded in understanding.  

“I know,” Gray murmured, tipping up Natsu’s chin and kissing him. Natsu sighed into him, moving his hands under Gray‘s shirt and brushing his thumbs against the sensitive skin above his hipbones. He pushed into the kiss, biting Gray’s lip and tugging him closer. “You want me on top?” Gray asked, already breathless.  

“Yes,” Natsu replied, grabbing the hem of Gray’s shirt and tugging it over his head. Gray growled and pulled Natsu’s shirt away as well, tossing it to the floor and running his hands up his husband’s back. Natsu shivered as they pressed together, breathing sharper and harder as Gray began to kiss and suck at his neck.  

“Ff...aah!” he groaned as Gray bit down, hard enough to leave a mark but not enough to break skin. He dug his fingers into Gray’s hips, fingers sliding along his husbands’ pants until he reached the button. “Ahh... you... really want this,” he breathed, rubbing his hand over the growing bulge in Gray’s jeans. Gray shuddered, pushing into Natsu’s hand as he sucked a dark red mark into his collarbone.  

“’course I do,” he growled, running a hand through Natsu’s hair and tightening his grip. Natsu groaned, tipping his head back so that Gray could kiss down to the hollow of his throat. “’s you. I always want you.” He placed a hand over Natsu’s, pressing it harder against his erection and groaning. He moved back up to kiss Natsu, sloppy and wet and filled with moans and soft gasps.  

“Couch,” Natsu murmured, tugging Gray through the hallway and into the living room. Gray’s hands were already on Natsu’s waist, fingers popping open the button of his jeans and shoving them and his underwear to the floor.  

“Sit.” Gray pushed Natsu down to the sofa, nudging his legs apart. He dropped to his knees, leaning forward and placing a kiss near Natsu's hip, then biting down into the soft skin. Natsu moaned, sliding his fingers into Gray’s dark hair as his husband nosed at the soft curls above his cock, pressing kisses up the length and then taking it into his mouth.  

“F-fuck, Gra-ay, ahhh,” he moaned as his husband pressed down onto him, taking him all the way down until he was shaking. One of Gray’s hands rested on the inside of his thigh, while the other slid down to rub himself through his pants. Gray moaned around him and Natsu trembled, throwing his head back against the couch. “God... damn,” he groaned, tugging gently on Gray’s hair.  

Gray kept going, bobbing and sucking and taking Natsu deeper, and when Natsu opened his eyes again he could see that Gray had tugged down his own pants and was stroking himself with his free hand. The sight made Natsu groan, heat pooling low in his stomach.  

“Gray, c-” Gray shook his head, humming around Natsu. “Ngnn... ffuuu... aah!” Natsu threw his head back against the cushions as he came, feeling Gray’s fingers dig into his hips to keep him in place. The sensation rocked through him and he shuddered, riding it out until he was shaking from oversensitivity. Gray pulled back slowly, wiping his mouth and giving Natsu a fond look.  

“You’re gorgeous,” he murmured, reaching up to brush sweaty strands of hair out of Natsu’s face. “Gods, I’m lucky.”  

“You... mmnnm...” Natsu shuddered, pushing himself up from the cushions. Gray grabbed the back of his head and pulled him in, kissing along his jaw and down his neck again.  

“I want you,” Gray growled against his ear, nipping at his earlobe. Natsu groaned, fingernails drawing red lines across Gray’s shoulders. “Can I?”  

“Y-yes,” Natsu breathed, tugging Gray’s lips up to meet his. “Please, I need you. I need...”  

“I know,” Gray said quietly. There’d been many times in their relationship where one of them had needed to be cared for in this way, needed to be taken and filled and loved and made to  _feel_. Gray knew exactly what he needed, and it flooded Natsu with a sense of relief. “Turn around.”  

Natsu obeyed, turning and pushing himself up on shaky legs until he was leaning against the back of the couch, looking out toward the window. Gray’s hands ran up his thighs, pushing them apart and then running up his back. Natsu felt Gray kneel on the sofa behind him and press a gentle kiss at the base of his spine.  

“I’ve got you,” Gray murmured, hands drifting down Natsu’s back until they rested on his hips. “You‘re safe, okay?” He kissed a little lower, hands drifting over the curve of Natsu’s ass.  

“Y-yeah,” Natsu said shakily, shifting and spreading his legs farther apart. Gray’s teeth sunk into his skin and he jumped, groaning as they were replaced by tongue. Gently, Gray ran his hands down Natsu’s thighs and up again, then spread his cheeks apart and ran his tongue across Natsu’s entrance.  

“Ohhh... ff-fu...” Natsu’s head dropped to the couch where his forearms were crossed as Gray’s tongue worked itself across him, surprisingly hot in comparison to his hands. Natsu moaned, biting down on his arm as Gray’s hand roamed up and down his thigh, reaching around to stroke across his stomach. “Gods...”  

Gray pressed harder, dipping inside and back out again, all the while caressing Natsu’s stomach and thighs. After a few minutes Natsu felt himself getting hard again, as he groaned and writhed against the back of the couch. When Gray pulled away he let out a soft whine.  

“I love you,” Gray murmured, leaning up and kissing Natsu’s neck. "I’ll be right back.”  

Natsu rested his head on his forearms as Gray hurried to the bedroom, then returned with the bottle of lube. He knelt behind Natsu again, kissing the nape of his neck, then his shoulders, then down the center of his back. His hands ran up and down Natsu’s sides, caressing his chest and trailing down to his thighs. Each touch was feather light, drawing out soft sighs from Natsu’s lips.  

“You good?” Gray asked. Natsu tensed as a slick finger slid over his entrance, then exhaled, relaxing against the sensation. He leaned his head back and kissed Gray, tugging at his husband’s lip with his teeth.  

“Yeah,” he murmured, moaning as Gray’s finger slid inside him. “I’m... ahhh...” Gray’s other hand trailed up his chest, resting lightly over his throat. Lips pressed soft kisses up and down Natsu’s cheeks, over his eyelids, on his forehead as Gray gently stretched him.  

 _“Je_ _vais_ _te_ _faire l’amour,”_  Gray murmured, running his fingers through Natsu’s hair. Natsu shivered at the gentle words and the lips that trailed from his ear to the nape of his neck as Gray moved behind him. He shuffled his knees further apart, leaning forward on the back of the couch as Gray removed his fingers and, achingly slowly, replaced them with his cock.  

“Fuuuck,” Natsu moaned, feeling Gray’s fingers tighten on his hips. Gray let out a long, drawn out groan as he drew out and thrust forward again, slowly and gently. “Fuck, I... ahhh... I love you.”  

 _“Je_ _t’aime_ _aussi_ _,”_  Gray breathed, leaning forward and wrapping an arm around Natsu’s chest. He pressed soft kisses to Natsu’s shoulders, panting next to his ear as he thrust into his husband. Natsu moaned, tipping his head back. Gray's arm around him felt like safety, like home and love and affection. “You feel so good.”  

The apartment filled with the sounds of skin on skin, heavy breathing, panting and moaning and sharp cries when Gray used his teeth on Natsu’s neck. Gray’s pulse raced, breath coming out in loud grunts as his hips drove in and out of Natsu. He could feel Natsu’s thighs shaking and he slowed his pace, releasing his grip on his husband.  

“C’mere, sweetheart,” he murmured, pulling out slowly and settling down on the couch. He gently nudged Natsu‘s legs over his, guiding Natsu down slowly onto his cock until he was sitting in Gray‘s lap. Natsu settled onto the couch, arms coming up to rest loosely around his neck. “Now I can see your pretty eyes,” Gray whispered, gazing at Natsu fondly and brushing a thumb across his cheek.  

“You’re such a... ahhh... sap,” Natsu groaned, tipping his head forward against Gray’s collarbone as he shifted in his husband’s lap. Gray thrust his hips upward, keeping his hands on Natsu’s ass as he swore at the sensation. “Shi-iit, you... mnnm... might actually g-get me to come a-again.” Gray laughed and the sound rumbled through his chest.  

“That’s the idea,” he said, lifting Natsu up with both hands and pushing him back down again. They both cried out, Natsu burying his face in Gray’s neck. “N-natsu... ahh... fffuuck...” Gray rocked forward and set a steady pace, doing most of the work and letting Natsu hold onto him. He wrapped his arms around Natsu’s waist and shoulders, pulling him tight, holding him in a circle of safety and love.  

They both came not long after, fingers digging into each other's skin, cries and curses traded between their lips. Natsu slumped forward against Gray, panting and shaking, and he wasn’t surprised to find that there were tears in his eyes.  

“I’ve got you,” Gray murmured, hugging him tight. “I’ve got you, sweetheart. It’s okay.”  

 

* * *

 

They cuddled on the couch until the threat of making a mess became enough to force them into the shower. Gray took his time with Natsu, washing his hair and caressing him gently, kissing his cheeks and neck and lips.  

Afterward they ate cookies, then cuddled up on their bed, tucked under the duvet. Happy made his way under as well, curling up next to Natsu’s feet. Gray wrapped an arm around Natsu’s waist and pulled him close, chest to back, kissing the back of his neck.  

“You’re brave,” he whispered as Natsu grabbed his hand, lacing their fingers together. “And you have a home now. You always will.” Natsu sighed contentedly.  

“I know,” he murmured, letting Gray squeeze him tight. “You’re my home.”  

Gray drifted off quickly, soft snores tickling the hair at the back of Natsu’s neck. Natsu stared out the window, a mix of contentment and grief settling in his chest.  

 _“You dad didn’t want you.”_  

 _“Your mom loved drugs more than you.”_  

 _“You can’t stay here.”_  

 _“We don’t want you.”_  

 _“You’ll never have a family.”_  

 _“Go survive on your own.”_  

Gray’s arm tightening around Natsu’s waist drew him out of his memories and he sighed, snuggling back against his husband. The moonlight glinted off his wedding ring and he closed his eyes, imagining for a moment that he was eight years old again, lonely and scared and angry. Except this time, instead of being cold and alone, he was being held. He was safe. He had someone who loved him.  

Natsu exhaled softly, letting go of the image and shifting around to face Gray. He tucked himself into his husband’s arms, head beneath Gray’s chin, arms wrapped around his waist. Here he was safe. Here he was loved. Here he was strong.  

He drifted off to sleep with the sound of Gray’s heartbeat in his ears, and a deep sense of peace in his heart.  

**Author's Note:**

>  **French Translations**  
>  Je suis désolé, mon coeur = I'm sorry, love  
> mon coeur = my love  
> Je vais te faire l’amour = I'm going to make love to you  
> Je t’aime aussi = I love you, too


End file.
